Monthly Archives: July 2010

And I almost got away with it, too!

So many thoughts running through my head since Friday.
On overload, hyper-drive, warp speed since last night.

We’ve gone from, “So, what do you think about moving?” last Wednesday to, “What do you think about Germany?” on Friday to, “They want to send us to a hole in Texas and send me off to war in Afghanistan for a year or more” last night.

Son of a bitch.

I wrote to a friend: “Whatever happens, the fact is the days of having him work Mon-Fri, 8 to 5, home on weekends, never away, happy-nuclear-family-time, those days are over. All this time I bitched about getting out of AZ and now I’d be sooooo grateful just to stay!”

And that’s the gist of it. From the moment he caught the scent of this – on the winds of change – and we began to discuss it, I have been looking around this house, our life here, even this stupid little town, and I do NOT want to let it go!

I’ve been incredibly lucky, see. I’ve been with him for five years, his wife for two of those years, and in ALL of those years I’ve never had to do without him for any extended period. Wait, there was the 6 months it took me to move to Arizona to be with him, there was the week he left in 2007, and that other week he left in 2009 and…..that’s it. That’s IT! In fact, the longest we’ve been apart is when I take extended vacations home to Seattle without him. I’M the one who leaves all the time!

And I really thought I was going to stay lucky. I’d convinced myself of it. I really thought I was going to be married to him and never learn what it was like to be a real “military wife”. My daughters would never really experience being “military brats”. Somehow we were going to buck the system, slip under the radar, and remain stable in a completely unstable environment.

It was a semi-reasonable delusion. After all, we’d done it this long. We’d escaped fate for 4 years, only had another 4 years to go, and it looked like he was going to retire here. I could keep my family, intact, in the suburbs of Arizona, living the pleasant suburban life of a TV sitcom family.

Happy. Together. Safe.

I feel like the villain at the end of a Scooby-Doo episode.
“And I would have got away with it, too – if it wren’t for YOU, pesky Uncle Sam!”

Did someone say escape?

Over the phone he said, “So what do you think about moving?”
And my stomach dropped.

I was cooking, looking out the window onto the pink, purple and turquoise of an Arizona monsoon sunset – one that’s become so familiar to me – and was instantly aware that I might not be ready to leave. After all my bitching! All my whining, longing, impatient waiting, kvetching and complaining….longing for Seattle or ANY old place other than here. Wanting desperately to be free of this place and now…..it looks like I want someone to hold the goddamn phone, just a moment, while I think it about further.

He was only being dramatic, as it turns out. It’s only a rumor, his possible transfer to destination unknown. But in the meantime I’m suddenly wondering if uprooting the family from the happy, if boring, little life we have going here would be such a great thing after all. He would go directly from here to war. Only a small pitstop in between.

But if we stay here, he just remains unhappy in his job, I remain unhappy with the shit hole town, but our kids have their father and we have each other.
It’s never ideal, is it?