Easter: Terrifying Children with the Resurrection Story Since Zero A.D.

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Disclaimer: If you’re a devout Christian who takes offense when folks poke a little fun at Jesus (and baby Jesus, and the zombie Jesus), please skip this post. I don’t seek to offend or upset anyone in any way. I do not delight in your discomfort. But I’m possessed (
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My soon-to-be-kindergartner currently attends a Christian preschool. It came highly recommended and more attractive secular options did not present themselves when I went searching. Prior to enrollment, I’d explained that my family was non-religious (not to be confused with anti-religious, just not subscribing to, or practicing, any particular faith) and they assured me that was fine; they welcomed all faiths, beliefs and non-beliefs. And because our daughter was known to have a temper – and had once thrown a tantrum so colossal that, after 20 minutes, my husband wearily addressed her with, “The power of Christ compels you!” – we joked that maybe she could use a little Jesus. Just a little.

Over the course of her school year, however, staff changed, procedure changed, direction changed, and things got progressively more and more churchy. By Halloween we were told the children could dress up for a “fall festival” in the classroom, but only superhero, princess or animal costumes would be allowed. When I asked a staff member if it was okay for a child to dress as a bat, or a spider, so long as they didn’t cry “Hail Satan!” (which they did not think was funny), I was told, “That’s fine. Just as long as it’s not demonic or anything.”

Now, by this time my daughter was firmly engrossed in her pre-K curriculum, enjoying the hell out of her friends and teachers, and absolutely thriving. And considering I’ve been relatively happy with the staff overall, I couldn’t justify pulling her out of school just because, from time to time, a couple people said something that caused my eyes to roll heavenward (with a “Sweet Jesus, are you kidding me?”). We live in Arizona. Someone says something stupid and/or intolerant every 27 seconds. You learn to not sweat the small, silly stuff. And I didn’t. But that was before Dead Bloody Jesus.

Happy Bloody Easter! Where my eggs at?

Happy Bloody Easter! Where my eggs at?

Every day for the last several weeks my sweet five year old daughter has been coming home talking about “dead bloody Jesus.” She’s obsessed. The way all kids are obsessed with things dead and bloody; because it’s scary. “You know how Jesus got the blood on him and died? We watched two movies about it.” And, “Jesus was dead and bloody with a cross. Isn’t that sad? But we’re supposed to be happy.” And, “dead bloody Jesus” this, and “dead bloody Jesus” that. Yay Easter! Terrifying children with the resurrection story since zero A.D.

So, the other night she had a dream about Dead Bloody Jesus (of course she did) but, “It was okay! Me and my friends gave him a shot and he was all better!” And that, good sirs and madams, is indeed great news! Because I have to take this child in for immunization shots next week, and you know the old saying…….if it’s good enough for Dead Bloody Jesus…..

Happy Easter.

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8 thoughts on “Easter: Terrifying Children with the Resurrection Story Since Zero A.D.

  1. Rhonda

    Ha ha! I complete understand the difference between non religious and anti religious, but when we took my son to a Christian preschool, many of my friends and family were bewildered. Fortunately, my son’s school didn’t teach about dead bloody Jesus because I feel ill-equipped to deal with that and probably would have had the nightmares myself.

    Reply
  2. judilyn

    Thank you SO much for liking my rose! Not because I am gathering “likes” (I actually get very few), but for the fact that I found this piece by you! What a grand hoot! As practicing agnostics, we always wonder how everyone is so sure about this sort of thing. I’ve never been dead, so really have no idea what awaits, if anything!!! ;-> I’m anxious to take a leisurely stroll around your blog – right after breakfast!

    Reply
    1. Niki Post author

      Thank you so much! I found your site about a year ago, while seeking fellow Sierra Vistans (Vistites? Vistanites? Visters?), and though I don’t participate here nearly as much as I’d like, whenever I log on I’m always delighted by your photos!
      As far as agnosticism goes, my husband plants his intellectual flag firmly in that camp, but I’m more comfortable placing all my spiritual eggs in the “consciousness beyond this mortal coil” basket. But fear-based religion….that nonsense can go suck some eggs. 🙂

      Reply
  3. Ambrosia Rose

    Dead Bloody Jesus! I am so adopting this as an oath. “Sweet Dead Bloody Jesus, did someone puke on the CTA bus?” “Sweet Dead Bloody Jesus, this is an amazing bolognese!” It rolls off the tongue so nicely.

    Reply

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